Chris Rock, as the illustrious SNL character “Nat X,” once hilariously shamed The Man for his assignment of February as Black History Month:

I just want to say that February is Black History Month. Isn’t that nice? The Man gives us February because it’s the shortest month of the year! Now, I’m not complaining, but I think we deserve at least a thirty-day month.

But instead of looking for a better, longer black history month, let’s instead normalize the months. Introducing the Stevadorian Calendar!

Steveadorian?

When I originally was brainstorming a new calendar, my coworkers named it “The Calendar of Steve.” I’m now renaming it to the Stevadorian Calendar to be more of an alliteration of the Gregorian Calendar. While it has nothing to do with dock workers, I like that it imbues strength, gruff, and rugged good looks.

Once we do decide to switch, there may be some nomenclature we’ll have to apply – similarly when most of Europe switched from the Julian Calendar to the Gregorian Calendar.

• O.S. – Old Style (Julian Date)
• N.S. – New Style (Gregorian Date)
• S.S. – Steve Style

By the numbers

It takes the earth 365.25 days to travel around the sun. That doesn’t change.

Gregorian months roughly correlate to the lunar phase, but it annoys me that the month length has slight variations. One is 28 days (sometimes 29), others 30 and 31. Granted, the lunar phase is apparently 29.54 days so it will never be exact. Women’s menstrual cycle, while also not exact, is on average around 28 days.

We’ve also become accustomed to the 7 day week – and more importantly the weekend. So let’s call it good and keep the 7 day week and just call a month 28 days. Day 1 will always be on Sunday and day 28 will always be on Saturday.

For the year we’d have 13 months. Don’t let it scare you.

That brings us to 364 days. One or two days are leftover. I propose calling these days “Day 0” and “Day 00” (leap year only). They would go at the beginning of the year and both would be holidays. They would have no day-of-week designation, and you can just think of them as New Years Day, and New Years Day++.

Month (re)names

While we’re at it, our current month names are kind of boring. Let’s get idiocratic up in here and rename some of them. Names like “Rocktober” and “Janu-any” could go from pop-culture marketecture to the actual names. Please comment and add your own crazy month names.