Football Queens

The Minnesota Vikings; they aren’t very good this year. And for those of you who keep up with it better than I do, you know more than I do. So don’t scold me for what I’m about to say (ahem, MEG). I call them the ViQueens because they play like the two years I played High School Powder Puff Football, girl style (Junior and Senior girls).

It’s sad really. This is a professional team, getting millions of dollars, to spend on boat trips with hookas, and I did it for free, twice, no hookers involved. Unless you count the class hookers, we all had one or two. I also lost both years but I played for the game! I was outside line-backer both years. I couldn’t run fast (that’s why I got pulled out a lot) and I was scared of first, the Seniors, second the Juniors. These girls were tough! How did that happen? Somehow my class got passed over for toughness. Sad I know.

I had a lot of friends on the Senior team my Junior year but some of them were big girls. Not fat, just butch. It shouldn’t have been scary because it was flag/touch football but it was. What gave me the idea to do it the next year?

So the Seniors won and we got shaving cream all over us. Not only was the score something pathetic, they had to embarrass us again with shaving cream in front of all the teachers, fellow students and parents. Somehow this was allowed at my school. Seems wrong when you think back. Bitches.

And by the next year I think my class made history by being the only Senior class to lose to the Juniors. Bitches. Now that was a shame. But the ViQueens know about shame. With the loss of Randy Moss, they thought the shame he brought would be gone. But somehow they managed to come up with their own problems, without Randy. On the field shame with Dante (my man!) with like a million turn-overs every game. Sadly he’s out now, what a shame. And then the latest shame of a ‘boat party.’ Of course I don’t know all the details and I don’t know if I ever will. I’m sure MEG could chime in with that.

But Queens, don’t fret. I once sucked too at football. The season isn’t over and you beat Green Bay recently. So take that victory and stop playing like girls or I’ll have to get the shaving cream out.

Instant Replay

With pictures, we can recall what happened on a night that was a possible blur. After a few shots of some yummy tequila, Justin turns it up a notch. So without pictures, he might not have remembered what he did. So I like to chronicle it to show him the next day.

At the beginning of the night and no alcohol in his system he’s pretty happy.
See:

As the night progresses and more frosty beverages are consumed, Justin becomes happier:

The cove is named after him because of his “naked happiness” last year. So in honor of that, they named it “Justin’s Cove” and covered the entire hot tub.

And the night usually ends in two ways:
1) He can barely walk but can talk your ear off.
2) He winds up with make-up on his face.

Make-up or not, shots of tequila or bite-sized Snickers, we want to wish you a Happy Halloween.

Only 54 days til Christmas!

A Call To All Target Lovers

I love Target. I always have and always will. And what makes it even better, I’ve married into Target! Justin loves it just as much as I do, if not more. His whole family is a Target family. How could I have married into Target you ask? Well, Justin’s dad works for Target Corporation. We like to tell people he has a cool job like stock boy or electronic center guy. But he’s just an architect for Target. Boring! He doesn’t know when things go on sale or if they are going to get that new handheld instant chat thing that Justin is always looking for.

Ok I take all that back. Justin’s pop does have a pretty cool job and a sweet discount. We like to take advantage of it when we are visiting or he’s visiting us. We tend to go to Target at least 3 times in a 3 day visit. That’s average. It might seem a little excessive to some, but not to us.

A few years ago while living in Utah, Target came out with SuperTarget. Oh my garage! This was the best of both worlds. I could mill around the regular Target side while I thought about what was for dinner. Then move over to the Super side and grab some food. Justin’s dad told me that no matter what time of day you go to the SuperTarget for some produce, you will always get the best of the best. And it’s true. No crappy banana’s, no limp looking asparagus and no bruised apples. So I could go in there with a blind fold on and just reach and it would be the best. I loved it!

But then I moved. So recently I e-mailed Target to find out when they are going to build a SuperTarget by me (and only me, forget all you up in North Las Vegas!). And their prompt reply just shows you their dedication to all SuperTarget fans:

Dear J. *****,

We’re glad to hear you want a SuperTarget store in Las Vegas area.
Interest from SuperTarget fans like you is a major factor we consider when
we decide to build a new store.

As you might imagine, a lot of work goes into determining where and
when to build a Target store. A lot of people in the private and
government areas get involved and it may take months or even years to build a
store. Right now we’re evaluating other areas in the continental United
States, but don’t worry – I’ll be happy to pass along your suggestion to
our Real Estate team for review.

Have questions about Target stores, products or service? You can give
us a call at (800) 440-0680, or visit us on Target.com. Either way,
we’re happy to help.

Thanks for your interest in shopping with us. I hope we’ll see you soon
at a Target near you.

Sincerely,

Benny
Target Guest Relations
www.target.com
[THREAD ID:1-143065]

I don’t think that Benny understands how much I want a SuperTarget here. First off, there are very few in the Western United States and there is plenty of land out here to build a few of them. Has he seen Nevada? Come on! And I’m sure his real estate team isn’t even going to see this e-mail. He’s trashing it as we speak!

Since Benny was no help at all, I ask all of my friends, readers, co-workers and whoever else to go to Target.com and send them an e-mail asking them when we are going to get a SuperTarget out here.

Now I have to go and make some banana bread because my banana’s are bruised. 🙁

20th Century vs. 21st Century

I bet you can guess what this is about. We (and I mean Justin and I) are in the midst of a hilarious argument right now (not as I’m typing, but in general). He wants to make our brand-new home a ‘smart-home.’ I say cool as long and I know how to work everything–without having to take a course. But so far that has not been the case.

Upstairs is what I like to call ‘the 20th century.’ A place where I know everything works. I don’t care if I have a remote for my DVD player, my t.v., my cable, and *gasp* my VCR. I know how to use it all and it has never failed me. Unless you count the time the old VCR kept eating my Star Wars tape. It chewed it up so bad that the tape broke and I had to hack the case to fix it–3 times! So I threw that VCR out and got another one. I know, I know VCR’s are so old and dated, but I don’t care, I’ve got some great movies on tape and I don’t want to have to buy a DVD. I don’t care about quality, I care that it works! So don’t try to convince me otherwise. You can’t tape a dvd when it breaks.

The 20th Century works, but downstairs is a different story. That’s the 21st Century and it doesn’t work as well. It’s not ‘Jessi friendly.’ First off, there is no VCR. How the heck am I supposed to watch Home Alone or Fargo or Strange Brew ? Yes, again I understand that I can now get these movies on DVD, but again, I don’t care. So that’s problem #1-no VCR. Problem #2 is bigger than number 1, but VCR is pretty big. #2 is you have to use a keyboard to change the channel! Ya, I’m totally not kidding! Basically you have to be a computer programmer to watch t.v. in the 21st century.

I spent all day upstairs today working on the computer. But when Justin got home I wanted to watch a little Seinfeld while cooking dinner. Um, impossible when the keyboard is upstairs being used. And even if I did have a keyboard, I still had no clue how to change the channel! It’s very sad.

20th Century Good (everything works):

21st Century Bad (notice the keyboard and all the programmer jargon on the screen, that’s where I’m supposed to watch t.v.):

We both agreed that this was called ‘Get-Tivo.’ I think the Dell box posing as a t.v. stand gives it away.

I’m sure one day I will come to love it as much as my VCR. I know it won’t eat the tapes, but just like any other computer, it can crash. So nothing is safe. I will admit that when Justin gets a remote, makes the font bigger, and programs it to act just like cable then I’ll probably think it’s pretty cool. The computer is a Tivo so I can record all my favorite shows if I had any. And if I missed something, I can rewind. So I guess it won’t be too bad.

But until then Justin, I’ll stick with the 20th century. Hey I think Home Alone is on cable, can we ‘get-tivo’ it?

Martha–It’s Not A Good Thing

I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but I’m a pretty good cook. Cooking, baking, cassaroling, I can do it all. I take pride in my yummy cinnabon cinnamon rolls. Just ask Justin. Every time I make them he mumbles, “These are the best yet!” And then he scarfs down 4 of them. That recipe isn’t for the weak. It takes prep time. So if you’ve got 2-3 hours on a weekend morning, just ask and I’ll give it to you for a small charge.

However, there is a difference between cooking and baking. The microwave cooks it doesn’t bake. Jessi cooks and bakes but that isn’t the difference. You bake things like cakes, rolls or cinnamon rolls. You cook things like steaks, beef stew and noodles. I’ve associated it with baking yummy sweet things and cooking hearty dinner type foods. I’ve never messed up cooking. But I have had 2 incidents while baking. My self-esteem was shot there for a while after those incidents, but I got the nerve to bake again–with counseling. As part of my therapy I will tell you what they were and how they affected me.

1) I wanted a bagel. I didn’t have a job but I had a cookbook. Betty Crocker made it look so easy as she does with everything. So with plenty of time on my hands I decided to make some bagels. In hindsight, I should have just scrounged up the 95 cents and just bought one, but I was a doe head and confident enough to think I could do it. I made the dough and everything was working great. The excitement was growing. Until the instructions said broil for 2-5 minutes. Um, I’d never broiled before and I didn’t even know what it was. I assumed it was some baking term for ‘bake really close to the oven unit.’ So that’s what I did. Almost choking to death with blackened bagel smoke, I scrapped bagel making forever. Boy does Einstein and his brother have a tough job.

2) I wanted to be Martha Stewart one Halloween. No not be her, but I wanted to be crafty and creative like her. I found a recipe on her website for a pumpkin shaped cake. Oh it looked so good and I thought to myself ‘everyone at work will just love me if I waltz in with this.’ “Yes, yes I made it. Oh it was very simple!”

But it wasn’t and I should have written to her and complained that her recipes aren’t up to the standard of me, putting all the blame on her where it belonged. I also should have known that her recipes are for women who don’t work and have a kitchen the size of Wyoming. I had to buy all the ingredients because I didn’t own any of them. This wasn’t the standard chocolate chip cookies, this monster pumpkin was bigger than any chocolate chip cookie.

I started off great, following the directions. But I had two different pans so my final product didn’t line up. And the amount of chocolate that was supposed to be between the layers was well, too much. What a waste. And I should have just bought frosting, that’s a whole other disappointment. Basically the cake looked horrendous. But if you just cut it into slices, it tasted surprisingly good. Ok Martha, I give you that and that’s it!

So the second failure had a better ending, I could still eat it. And thinking back I remember Justin mumbling, “Hey, it still tastes great.” With his loving comments, food in his mouth or not, I have been able to get past my 2 failures with baking. Maybe I should give my cinnabon cinnamon roll recipe to Martha for payback for the cake fiasco. “Try to make those Missy!” Then we are even.

Justin’s Favorite Thai Iced Coffee

Justin has never been a real coffee drinker. Whenever I make a latte at home, he might have one but with lots of splenda in it. He’s more of a hot chocolate drinker. Thats me on a cold, rainy day.

But we recently went to Minnesota and we hung out with some good friends. Jason is an old college friend who never really sleeps. And to keep his computer hacking skills at their finest even when he’s living on 2 hours of sleep, he drinks really strong coffee. One day we were visiting and he was drinking a Thai coffee drink. Justin thought it looked good so he tried it. Now he’s hooked. So to thank Jason, Justin blogged his mad Thai coffee making skills and I bring it to you with limited commercial interuptions.

Recipe: Thai Iced Coffee (Vietnamese preparation as well)

subtitle: Starbucks, drink your heart out!

So here it is, Jason’s famous iced coffee recipe — ripped off by myself (which has also been ripped off of every Thai restaurant in the world).

Here’s what you need:
-Ice
-Coffee (double shot/two parts)
-2 Tbsp. (one serving/one part) Sweetened Condensed Milk (full-fat, low-fat, fat- free, etc.)

Optional: Hammer & sandwich bag (for crushing ice if you like it that way and don’t have a crushed ice ice-maker)

Steps:

1. If you want crushed ice and don’t have a crusher built into your refridgerator, you can simply load a baggie with some ice and smash it with a hammer. If your hammer is nasty you may find it best to double bag. I’ve found that a full tray of ice, crushed, will get me 2-3 servings, depending on how big of a glass I use.

2. Fill your glass 2/3 with ice.

3. Prepare your coffee maker however you like with whatever coffee you like. I have an espresso/cappuccino maker, so I like to do a double shot. Whatever you do, it’s better STRONG.

4. Add the coffee to the glass or espresso shot. You don’t need to use a lot of coffee because the ice will melt when you add it.

5. Add one serving of sweetened condensed milk.

6. Stir

See now you can become a mad Iced Coffee maker, Thai or not.

Tysdal and the Triscuit Factory

Once upon a time there was a young boy named Tysdal. Tysdal was very popular while he marched in Phantom Regiment for 5 years. He was talented, funny, from South Dakota and had a problem with certain words. Not problems such as you and I have. You know, remembering certain ones, how to spell them, and using words that would kill your mom if she heard them. We all need to work on that.

No, Tysdal’s problem was that he kinda slurred some words. Not really a lisp but more of a slur. It wasn’t a Texas drawl either. Remember Tysdal was from N.D., far from Texas, however weird they both may be.

Tysdal’s friends were really good friends especially his Drum Corps friends. He always had someone to sit with at meal times. He was never laughed at when he played the wrong notes. No, his friends were true friends. And what made them even more special to him was they never made fun of his slurred problem. They spoke to him like there was nothing wrong, until one late night on the bus.

It was dark and his friends were sleeping. Everyone worked so hard that day so they deserved the rest. Tysdal was hungry and decided to have a snack. Being a good friend he thought he’d offer it to all of his friends. “Hey, does anyone want a trishkit? A trishkit, does anyone want one?” But to his surprise no one responded and so he asked his sleeping friends again a little louder this time, “Does anyone want a trishkit?” “SHUT THE F*** UP! NO ONE WANTS A F****** TRISCUIT,” a sleeping friend yelled. Tysdal was a little shocked by this comment. Here he was being generous and giving and no one appreciated it.

But it did not get Tysdal down. He stuck with his friends and his friends stuck with him. However, things changed a little bit. They started to make fun of his slurred handicap, but they were still good friends. And he knew that friendship was more important than a trishkit.